"You can do anything for 5 minutes."

Ok, so first, I have to tell you that I’m writing this a month after I started working out.  (Which hey, I’m *still* doing it, so you get at least a month of stories!)  So here’s what I remember about that first training session:

Whining.  Begging.

You know, dignified behaviors.

I roll into the gym at the buttcrack of the morning, I’m not going to say, raring to go, but I’m there.  I go in and the first thing Seth says to me is: “Ten minutes on the stairmaster.”  Um, excuse me?  There’s a perfectly nice treadmill sitting next to it.  “You said you were daunted by stairs, get on the stairmaster.”  And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how Seth earned the nickname “The Marquis de Seth.”

This begs the question:  Why didn't I tell him I was daunted by bunnies?  Would he have shown up dressed as Thumper?  Anyway...

First, let’s talk about having to get up ON the stairmaster.  Or mount it, if you will.  And I haul my ass up onto it, and Seth has to show me how to program it.  And we picked the program (some sort of aerobic setting), enter my weight, and it starts to go and Seth walks away.  And I start stepping up.  And up.  And my heart starts beating faster.  And faster.  And I start breathing harder.  And then I go past breathing harder to gasping for air, and all I can think is, “10 minutes of this???  Are you fucking kidding?”  And I come off.  I don’t fall off, more that I just don’t stay on.  I look at Seth imploringly, and he says, “Get back on it.”  I gaspingly say that I can’t, but then I do.  And I put together another minute, and I’m back off.  

Then, I’m *really* whining and sucking wind.  And Seth is showing no mercy…and then, all of a sudden, out of nowhere, like the voice of God, I hear a voice going, “GET BACK ON THE MACHINE.”  

Ladies and gentlemen, Craig Tinnelle, your humble proprietor of Physiques’ Gym.  A few words about Craig….he is a powerhouse.  He bodybuilds, but he’s not crazy ripped – he’s just muscled.  And he’s smart as shit about the body – and about life.  We’re almost the same age, so how I interact with him is very different then how I interact with Seth.  With Craig, I flirt shamelessly and he flirts back.  He has created an environment that I look forward to going to, and I’m incredibly grateful.

So.  There I am, sucking wind like there’s no tomorrow, and I’m all, “I feel like I’m going to have a heart attack.”  And there’s the voice again:  “YOU’LL PASS OUT LONG BEFORE YOU HAVE A HEART ATTACK.”  Oh my god, where is this guy and why are they hell bent on torturing me???

And before I know it, Craig is next to me, standing on the stair master next to mine, talking me through.  First, he adjusted the machine so it’s more manual as opposed to aerobic.  So it’s me working the machine, not the machine working me.  Which is still hard, but doable.  And he talks to me for the next 3-4 minutes.   A lot of which I don’t remember, I just know that he just kept talking.  The line that has stayed with me (and I think of OFTEN when I’m on the stairmaster) is, “you can do anything for 5 minutes.”   And he’s right.  It's not forever.  It's five minutes.

So I come off the stairmaster, and I think I drink some water, and then honestly, I couldn’t tell you what Seth had me do for the rest of the time.  But I do know that I was covered in sweat by the time it was over.  And when he said, “Ok, you’re done” I was so grateful, I hugged him.  Which he hated, as hi, I was sweaty.   

But really – not my finest hour, but it all begins with a step, no?  And by step, I mean a step up on the stairmaster.